Wednesday, 12 October 2016


So I seem to have disappeared from my blog/ YouTube again for a while. Although I've never really uploaded consistently I've always had the intentions of doing so, unfortunately my mental health always seems to get in the way. I get really motivated and inspired and write huge lists of video ideas, then I manage to create one or two and suddenly become really really ill again.

For those of you who don't know I have BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety. So with these different disorders I suffer a very wide variety of symptoms; the worst thing for me is usually my BPD, when my moods become incredibly erratic I can't stay in one mood long enough to do anything and I become very self destructive. 

Whenever I'm handling my illnesses well I tend to take huge leaps instead of steps. I spent the whole of May in Thailand (I was planning on making a video of my time there but my CPU on my laptop can't deal with the quality of the video clips I took on my GoPro 👎), I dealt with being there quite well, I had some days where I felt I couldn't go on and was considering suicide again but luckily I met some lovely people there that brightened my days. The main person being the beautiful soul Celiah, she was volunteering at the same sanctuary as me so I met her 3 days after I got to Thailand and ended up staying with her until my very last day.  

I made one video when I got back and was feeling pretty ok, I then got offered a dance contract in Zante for the next 4 months and jumped at the opportunity as it's something I've always wanted to do. Unfortunately only a few days after I got there I started spiralling again, I had the worst panic attack of my life and was taken into hospital as I couldn't speak and had the most awful treatment I could ever imagine. Then after that I became incredibly unstable, depressed and once again suicidal. I only managed to stay there for two weeks before myself and my family were so worried about my well-being that I had to return home.

Since I've been back I've been very up and down. One thing that has had a positive impact on me is the fact that I started to have pole dancing lessons - something I've wanted to do for years but all the studios were far away and I didn't have the time or a way of getting to them. Through a friend I discovered a relatively new studio in a town near to me and after a few weeks started a 6 week beginner course, I've now done 8 weeks and am really proud of how I'm coming along with it. 

I've had some extremely difficult times, some I didn't think I would pull through. Some weeks ago I was so unstable one minute I was crying hysterically, the next raging uncontrollably then bouncing off the walls. I relapsed with my eating (I also used to be anorexic), so for a few of my pole lessons half way through I'd start shaking violently and felt like I was about to collapse, my vision would black out and I felt incredibly weak. I also relapsed with self harm after being clean for 6 months, so I felt like a complete failure; but in hindsight at that moment that was the lesser of the things my mind was screaming at me to do, so I guess it was a good thing. My Mother became extremely worried and was encouraging me to consider going back into a ward or respite house before things got too bad, but luckily a little while later I started to even out a little; I started eating again and my moods started changing at a more normal (for me) rate, of course they're still very difficult for me to deal with but I don't feel like an eternal erupting volcano anymore.

The past week or so I've been really working on my self care, I've started reading my spirituality books again, writing in my journal every day, colouring, doing extra yoga stretches and going on walks. I'm managing a lot better at the moment and I'm really hoping I manage to stay at this level or improve further. So, while I'm doing ok I'm going to once again try to work more on creating and writing on here - earlier in the year a few companies sent me items so my priorities are to get those posts finished, but I have a lot of ideas whirling around my head.


1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you're still posting, whether it's here on your blog (I love reading your posts) or on your YouTube or Tweeting on Twitter - and I'm glad your taking care of yourself.. it's nice that Celiah was there in Thailand.

    Your pole dancing looks amazing - you must be in wonderful shape!

    I just watched your latest YouTube video (Jan 27, 2017) 20 Things About MEEEE | Rachael Elizabeth - YouTube Kudos - it's fabulous - very interesting and informative. Yes, I watched all the way to the end and "Liked" it on YouTube :)

    I'm afraid i've been longer between posts than you have. My last post was on August 28th of 2016: