As some of you might know after I finished college in July 2013 I decided to take a gap year to try and work on myself (mental health), I registered as self employed and started doing promotional work, it was also around this time when my boyfriend moved to Germany for his placement year of his degree - both of these things carried through to 2014.
In 2014 I had two major breaking points with my mental health where I tried to commit suicide, one in April and the other in November. I had many many less severe instances throughout the year but with both of these times I ending up taking overdoses, which resulted in hospitalisation. In March I had the crisis team out to me every day until I stayed in a respite house for a few days as a different form of help (alternative to psychiatric unit), I also had to stop driving for a while, had an increase of medication, and was referred to have a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) as I needed more specialised therapy. All of this was set up in Staffordshire where I was living in my family home, but, in September I moved to Manchester to start studying Musical Theatre and was left without any support.
Just before moving to Manchester my CPN was moved to a different team, the community mental health team were going to assign me a new CPN but as I was moving I told them there was no point. Trying to get a transfer of care in Manchester has been extremely difficult, I had no idea where or how to sign up at a GP for starters, without the complexity of having to find information on mental health support teams etc. My anti depressants had seemed to not be working for a while and without access to a doctor or any kind of support I was starting to spiral downwards again, I was missing so much university, I was so far behind and deadlines were approaching but I couldn't get myself to do anything other than lie on my bed with the lights off all day. All I wanted to do was get 'fucked up' because it made me feel something, I could pretend I was this other person for awhile and actually feel some kind of positive energy within myself.
Another overdose. This time not much was put in place, I was taken back to my family home for a few weeks to be looked after, I've been referred for a CPN here now (which might take a while before I'm assigned someone), I had a medication change which involved having to come completely off my current tablets which I don't think helped how I felt at all.
I suffer with clinical depression, anxiety, horrendous mood alterations, dissociation, and a few more 'symptoms'. It's been questioned quite a few times this year whether I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which honestly I would be fine knowing I have. I'm yet to have a proper diagnosis, and though being diagnosed doesn't define you as a person I feel like I would be so relieved knowing there's an actual reason for me being the way I am.
I've suffered with my mental health really badly for a very long time, the first time it became apparent to others was when I was 13/14. since then I've been pretty secretive about all of it (regarding friends) and I've tried to keep it under wraps and try and keep it out of my life but it's such a huge part of who I am. I've realised ignoring this won't make all other areas of my life "normal" because what the fuck is normal? For such a long time I've told myself because I've just had an extremely bad period of time mentally it'll even out and I'll be fine for a while but clearly that logic isn't quite right, because it always comes back sooner than anticipated. Starting this year I'm going to try and be more open about it, and stop putting things off to work on my mental health, as it could stay with me for my entire existence I need to try to carry on with my life. It affects me in such massive ways and trying to keep up with myself and everything else and separating parts of my life is exhausting... I hope that makes sense. I suppose that's my new years resolution, being more open with people, but also being more truthful to myself.
On a lighter note, here are a couple of positive things that happened in 2014:
I visited Germany, Italy, Austria and Spain.
(and skied on a mountain for the first time)
I gained 4 cats at my family home
Sid, Dita, Dolly, and Kitty ♥
Sid, Dita, Dolly, and Kitty ♥
I moved to Manchester and started studying at The Arden School of Theatre.
If anyone is going through anything and doesn't have anyone to talk to or just wants to chat, I would love to speak to you, it's probably best to email/ facebook me. All my links are at the side and my email is in 'contact' ♥
Sending love and positivity to all of you for 2015.